Okay, maybe
I’m an idiot and maybe I just don’t understand how the world really works but I
want people to like me for me. I want what is mine and only what is mine. And
believe it or not I want to be trusting and to be trusted.
Just once I
will pretend to be older so that I can see that R rated movie.
Just once I
will tell that woman that I have a great job so that she will go out with me.
Just once it
will be okay if I cheat on the test that I didn’t prepare for because after all
I really do know the subject.
Just once
you say. I have been addicted to cigarettes in my past and I can tell you about
“just once”. I started smoking when I was eighteen years old and have regretted
it ever since. I have quit five times in the intervening years, not easy I can
tell you but worth the effort. Implied in the previous statement of course is
that I have started smoking again four times, yes? I never meant to start
again. Every time it has been a case of my having a bad day and remembering how
relaxing a cigarette could be. So I thought, just once, “I will just have one
cigarette, just to relax and get through my day”. Yeah right. Those of you who smoke or used to smoke know what I did but for you
others, there is no such thing as just one cigarette. First thing is a horrible
head rush that makes one think, “why did I do this to myself”, then a short
time later comes the cravings just like you had never quit! From there are the
rationalizations, “well, so I get a pack, it will last me for at least a week
and then I will quit again”. Then, when that pack is gone in a day or so comes,
“I wouldn’t have had to start again if I weren’t having such a bad time in my
life but things will get easier and as soon as they do then I’ll stop because I’m
not really addicted you know”. That day never comes. Then, in a month, or a
year, or a decade when you know that you are once again an addict and you need
your next fix to get through, no, not your day, just this next hour and all you
think about is that next cigarette, then you can try to quit again. If you are
lucky you will have people who care enough about you to help you through those
next few days and then those next few weeks until you can honestly say to
yourself I AM A NON SMOKER.
But back to
just once. In life there always easy paths which you will be tempted by but
don’t take them for they lead to dead ends. One can rationalize any improper
behavior. It’s easy to say “it will be okay if I only do it once” but when you
see the rewards come to you immediately instead of after a period of challenges
then you will start to rationalize doing more of the same until you begin thinking of yourself as smarter then
everybody else. “They do things the hard way while I accomplish so much more
with less effort”.
I have had
some experience with that type of person and I find them to be small minded and
belligerent. They are never at peace because they must keep reminding
themselves of how they are justified in their actions and they are always
afraid of being found out. They will have a ready series of excuses and
outright lies should they be challenged. These are always delivered in a
confrontational yet defensive manner.
I am very
tall and have been told how lucky I am. Yep, it was luck for I did nothing to
earn it. To take pride in this would be as silly as taking pride in my
ancestors. They were themselves and succeeded or failed before I was born. My
hair is brown and my eyes are blue and I am American and I did nothing to
achieve any of it so it means nothing to me.
We only
appreciate what we struggle to have for if any value is given to us it will
mean nothing. The young person who works all year to buy a used car will feel
pride in its ownership. The rich kid who is given a new car has no sense of its
value for he did nothing to earn it. It
is only what I earn that I feel comfortable having. It doesn’t matter if it is
my paycheck or the respect of my coworkers or the love of a good woman or
success at an endeavor or, most important to me, to be trusted. It is mine
because I deserve it.
Sincerely yours
The rational anarchist
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